NOTHING about Mather’s-More Than a Cafe looks as if it’s aimed at people over 50. But the Chicago cafe, which could easily be mistaken for a large Starbucks, is much more than that, serving as a community hub, mostly for older people, with dozens of classes on topics like flower arranging, Egyptian history and digital safety.

In her six years as a member, Pat Knazze, 66, has taken line dancing and piano lessons and participated in over 50 seminars via Skype, including architecture classes that helped her qualify as a neighborhood docent.

As she ages, Ms. Knazze has also found another expected benefit: a caring group of neighbors who serve as a kind of substitute family.

“We’re social beings,” said Ms. Knazze, who is divorced. “And the cafe is a kind and loving group. I have multiple families that nurture me.” The Mather’s Cafe manager even attended Ms. Knazze’s mother’s funeral.

To appeal to baby boomers like Ms. Knazze, many community senior centers are getting up-to-date makeovers. There are about 11,500 senior centers in the United States, according to the National Council on Aging. They are increasingly offering everything from top-flight gyms to speed-dating sessions, wine tastings and Apple support groups.

Many are also shedding their names so that they can evolve beyond being seen as just places to play bingo. The senior center in Rochester, Minn., has become 125 Live, which just opened in a sleek, modernistic building with a teaching kitchen, big lap pool, pottery studio and a gym. Another in Minnesota is now Lakeville Heritage Center; it has yoga, Pilates and Zumba classes — and a motorcycle club.

“We have to move away from hot meals and bingo,” says Jim Firman, the chief executive of the National Council on Aging. “So there’s a lot of exciting innovation going on. The laggards will catch up or go away.”

Mather’s three Chicago cafes helped kick-start the transformation in 2000. They were inspired by Robert Putnam‘s best-selling book, “Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community.” He talked about how people’s health and happiness were declining along with a sense of community, said Mary Leary, chief executive of the Evanston, Ill.--based nonprofit Mather LifeWays.

“So the cafes were conceived as a way to connect with others,” said Ms. Leary. “And it all starts with a cup of coffee.” Indeed, a bottomless cup of coffee costs only 95 cents at Mather’s Cafe, which also offers breakfast and lunch.

Mather’s Cafes take a holistic approach to aging, she said. Classes, aimed at 50-plus adults, include wellness, lifelong learning, fitness and entertainment. There are also telephone topics programs, such as chair yoga or eating well, for people who can’t attend. Innovative classes are devoted to edgier subjects like sexual identity and virtual reality. Fees are donation-only.

“We see aging on a spectrum,” Ms. Leary said. “Let’s help people stay active so they can age in place and connect with others.”

To spread its message, Mather holds workshops for other organizations. So far, people from 138 cities have attended and more than 40 other cafes have popped up, Ms. Leary said.

Like Mather’s Cafes, many senior centers are usually funded privately or by communities, so fees are typically nominal.

More a luxury club than a senior center, The Summit in Grand Prairie, Tex., charges $55 a year for adult residents 65 and older. The sunny 60,000-square-foot building has perks like an infinity edge pool, underwater treadmill and a hot tub. There is also a 100-seat movie theater, banquet rooms with full kitchens and an outdoor cafe with a grill.

“This is really an active adult facility,” said Amanda Alms, general manager of The Summit. “The city wanted to create a facility that was unlike any other.” Members have benefited by becoming more fit, finding artistic niches and making lifelong friends, she said.

For Wilfred Sanchez, 69, The Summit has become his home away from home. A Vietnam veteran who was exposed to Agent Orange, Mr. Sanchez has post-traumatic stress disorder and nerve diseases. So he uses The Summit’s pool for exercises like running laps or the underwater treadmill.

“PTSD makes me not want to go anyplace,” said Mr. Sanchez, who is also a retired information technology instructor. “But I don’t let it stop me.” Mr. Sanchez and his wife also visit the center to go to the movies, eat lunch and socialize with other veterans. “I’m so thankful,” he said.

Mr. Firman of the National Council on Aging says his goal is to transform the typical senior center into more of a longevity hub.

“There’s an evolution going on and a revolution as baby boomers age,” Mr. Firman said. “So we’re developing richer programming. We’re given the gift of longevity, so we have to spend it wisely.”

Many people are overwhelmed by the challenges of living longer, Mr. Firman said. “Health is complicated,” he said. “Finances are complicated. And there’s no playbook.”

The Senior Center in Charlottesville, Va., now includes a lifelong learning program on how to design a good life. The center also offers lots of ways to socialize, including singles gatherings, travel partner matches and three bands that members can join. There are also fitness classes, hiking programs and pickleball.

Peter Thompson, the center’s executive director, lamented the word “senior” in the name, though. “It’s a barrier,” Mr. Thompson said. “People don’t want to acknowledge that that’s them.”

The goal, he added, is creating centers that help people feel ageless. So a new center including features like a mind-body studio aimed at active adults is being planned.

Hansie Haier, 65, goes to the senior center often to socialize. She takes line dancing, yoga and tai chi. Ms. Haier, who is single, also teaches a weekly writing group there.

“The center helped me find my purpose,” said Ms. Haier, a retired psychiatric nurse who now writes short stories. “I’m constantly learning new ways of living. A good center helps keep the brain functioning. That’s really important.”

Isolation is a potential risk for millions of aging adults, said Shannon Guzman, a senior policy research analyst at the AARP Public Policy Institute. But new forms of social engagement are emerging in the digital world. Selfhelp Community Services’ Virtual Senior Center in New York helps homebound older adults keep in touch via computer: They can attend group museum tours, Shakespeare discussions or even take laughter yoga.

“We’re building an online community,” said David Dring, executive director of Selfhelp Innovations. “Seniors can create these cyberclassrooms.” They can also create ongoing virtual friendships.
​
Ms. Knazze says she feels deeply fulfilled and cared for at Mather’s Cafe. “Now,” she said, “I want to share that with others.”

Our parents always told us to listen to them, but what happens when they refuse to listen to us? Adult children are finding that Father doesn’t always know best when it comes to his driving, diet, housing, caregiving, health, medication or other important issues. Learn more about what to do when your parents aren’t listening to you.

Mom Won’t Take Your Advice: Now What?

Recent research out of Penn State University, the New Jersey Institute for Successful Aging and the Rowan University School of Osteopathic Medicine, found that 77% of grown children think their parents are stubbornabout taking their advice or getting help with daily problems.

Mary Heitger-Marek, a 46-year-old program analyst from Annapolis, Maryland, could write the book on parental stubbornness. In 2004, her parents were living in a condo in Florida with steep stairs and ongoing health problems. She begged them to move near her to a housing community with support. Instead, they bought a home in Florida with a yard and a pool. They also acquired a dog. Several falls (some from walking the dog) and multiple surgeries ensued. They refused to hire help for either themselves or their house.

Two years ago, they moved to independent living near Heitger-Marek, again refusing a professional caregiver. Last October, her dad died; since then, her mother has been hospitalized four times. Now she’s in rehab but plans to move in with Heitger-Marek. She’s still vowing not to have outside help.

“My parents’ life decisions have greatly impacted me and I am very resentful,” says Heitger-Marek. “I love my mother, but I am at my wit’s end. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times my husband and I have suggested options to improve my parents’ quality of life and they have turned us down. I feel like we could open a senior care business because of all the programs, aid and other things we have looked into for them.

What to Do When Your Parents Refuse Help
​
We asked experts for their advice on what to do in situations like this – and unlike some parents, we did, in fact, listen! (Though, some of this advice may not apply to a loved one with dementia.)
Experts recommend:
1.    Trying to understand the motivation behind their behavior. Suzanne Modigliani, a Boston-based geriatric care manager with a social work background, says to ask yourself: Are they acting this way out of habit, to assert independence, or because they’re depressed or confused? What are they afraid of?
2.    Decide how important the matter is. Is it a safety issue or something that is just irritating but inconsequential? As the saying goes, pick your battles.
3.    Blame it on the kids (that would be you) or the grandkids. If Mom isn’t willing to change her behavior for herself, would she do it for a loved one? Robert Kane, M.D., author of “The Good Caregiver,” Director of the Center on Aging at the University of Minnesota and a professor in its School of Public Health, says his mother quit smoking after his sister argued the second hand smoke was a risk to the grandchildren. Another approach is to say to your parent, “You don’t want me to worry, right? This (fill in the blank) will give me enormous peace of mind. Please do it for me!”
4.    Think ahead. Is there a milestone they want to be around for, such as a wedding, graduation or anniversary? Then bring it up!
5.    Find an outside outlet for your feelings. If you’re angry or resentful that Dad’s not with the program, vent to, confide in, or strategize with, a geriatric care manager, geriatrician, therapist, friend, sibling or online support group rather than your parents.
6.    Treat them like the adults they are. Dr. Kane warns about infantilizing parents. “Dealing with a stubborn parent is not the same as dealing with a stubborn child. Older people should be autonomous.”
7.    Accept the situation. You may want your mantra to be “It is what it is.” Said another way, “you can take a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink.” As Modigliani points out, “they are adults with the right to make decision – even poor ones.”
8.    Don’t beat yourself up. Roseann Vanella, 50, of Marlton, New Jersey, happens to be a family mediator. But even with her professional training, she has been unable to reason with her parents. Her father, 84, has dementia and her mother, 75, has a rare blood disorder. Still, her mother insisted on taking her husband to Sicily on vacation. Vanella told her, “I can’t stop you so at least get medical jet insurance.” She said she would. Soon after arriving in Italy, her mother’s disease kicked up, she needed a blood transfusion and to come home. She admitted she never purchased insurance. Vanella and her brother were on the next plane. “After that I said, ‘she’s never going to take him to Europe,’ but she did,” says Vanella. “I told her how bad it was for my dad since his dementia had progressed.” Again, Vanella had to go to Italy and bring them back. “The hardest part is knowing something could have been averted but wasn’t,” she notes. “My advice is not to hit your head against the wall too hard. There isn’t a lot we can do sometimes but stand by, watch closely and be able to jump in when needed.”
Have you or your family had an experience before where your parents didn’t listen? What did you do to resolve the matter? Share your story with us in the comments below.